My life is a wreck...

Ooh, today is such a beautiful, cloudy and sunny day *smiles brightly as if it won't rain*...

Nope, take a twist, my life is not like the weather above today, its more cloudy, lightning, stormy, thundery and raining heavily...
Heyhey, even the weather is like that a couple of minutes ago!!! Well, its not lightning, or stormy, thundery... cloudy i don't know, didn't look up at the sky at night, but it definately was raining (Ok ok ler, not so heavy...)!!!

Why do i say my life is such a wreck??? Let me tell you why!!!

I felt like i don't belong anywhere. I'm starting more to hangout with my classmates because i felt outcasted when i hang out with Amanda's group, however, its like if i exist there or not it doesn't matter!!! I'm not saying that it must matter that i exist there, but its like, nobody cares and no one cared about me or know about my existence at one time today. Nobody even listened to me.

But i just started hanging out with them so, don't know ler...

When i'm with Amanda's gang, i don't really know her new friends, and thus, its kinda hard to get along, somemore i'm those kinda people who is not really friendly unless if i feel that you are a person i can be friendly with!!! And being with them makes me feel outcasted, i mean, Amanda can't like accompany about me 24 hours right??? When they play pool, i just sit aside and look at them until time passes, and all... its kinda tiring after awhile. Plus the motivation isn't there anymore...

Ok, back to today. We're all discussing where to go, and i just keep on going "waffles waffles, lets go for waffles" but they acted as if they didn't hear me or i'm not there at all!!! I mean, even if you guys don't want to have waffles, just tell me and i'll be gladly to shut up but no, they just treated as if i don't exist.
Than later in class, had a fight with a classmate. Ok, i myself has just a bad day in Families class because the game we're playing went haywired, kinda unlike what i had planned, so maybe my temper was abit off sided, but than she acted like, wtf...

We were supposed to stayback to discuss English presentation just now, but i can't cause have to rush to AFS office before it closes. I got explain and apologize dee. Than she went "Aiyar, i don't care you all already lar, fail mar fail, don't care dee lar" (Not exact words but something similiar!)... Excuse me, its not like i want one right??? If can i also want to stayback, i also want to discuss what, so in order will get better marks!!! Don't act like you're the only one who cared about the presentation and we all don't!!!

She requested that we have a discussion yesterday one, but SHE EXPECTED ME TO TELL EVERY SINGLE ONE TO MEET IN COLLEGE TOMORROW FOR DISCUSSION!!! Easy for you to say, you stay near the college only. If you worry about discussion so much, why not YOU call everyone or we split i abit you abit and tell them??? Please lar, doesn't mean you stay near college you can go and come back easily everytime, doesn't mean all of us also can ok??? I stay farthest compared to all of them!!!

Damn bullsh*t lar, ok, how if we were to meet in OU, and you cannot, than does that means that i can bising like you did dee??? If i were to do that YOU would bising to everyone about me dee, i'm just nice enough to keep it quiet and all to myself!!! WTF!!!

Thats how the fight started. If i was in good mood i nothing one, just ignore but i was not so i shouted back ler, can tahan once doesn't mean can tahan always. You say i'm "tiu man", but i think you are more "ye man" than i am "ye man"!!!

Than i tried to talk to another classmate siting infront of her of the project lar, but she like care don't care, i give her suggestion and all and she like okok, but than like didn't hear or just interupt me or so... i know i "cheong hei" but wtf too... lazy talk about it dee...

After that is this classmate of mine who i knew him since primary school but closer during high school only. I felt closest to him because i've known him since high school, but he seemed to change now... its like, he is like a stranger now to me, instead of my ex-classmate, ex-schoolmate and friend... Maybe i don't like the group he is hanging out with, but they are nice people, only very over sometimes... And starting, they all seemed like very close but know seemed distance dee... Maybe cause i'm a b*tch who is not really good to get along with, hah =P!!!

Than on the way down after class, talked to this guy lar, ask him some stuffs, but he seemed like he want to get away from me fast!!! Last time also nothing one... wtf again...

Than when i going home that time went AFS office, and they told me that chances of me getting accepted for the program is very little because of my age... wtf... that is like the last blow man, i SO want to go Japan for exchange, but it seemed like my dreams are to be shattered soon... and i can't stand it anymore...


Maybe i should change. Maybe when people make me mad, i SHOULD get angry and ignore that person but i can't. Its not like i'm nice or anything, its probably just cause i'm a pitiful soul. Nobody ever listen to me too. Hell, nobody even cared about me.

Maybe i should just throw everything away, and go to the mountains and live alone and meditate, with just animals and me ^-^ (Got this idea from a comic...)...

... But wtf, even animals don't love me. Comparing my rabbits to my friend's rabbits, they are damn close to her. They follow her everywhere and they even let her carry them!!! Mine, as long as i get away from them, they'll be happy; unless if i have food XP...

Maybe when people don't listen, i should throw tantrum and make them listen. Wtf, why is it always that i MUST listen to whatever people say, but they can't listen to what i have to say for once...
Take Amanda for example. I'm like her box of joys and sorrow she throws everything to me. I don't mind, she's my friend and its really funny sometimes. But i really do hope that for once, she listens to me about my own problems, even if its just some stupid stuffs like my bracelet broke... hell, whats important to me is probably not important, or stupid in your opinion, for you; but not necessary whats important to you is important to me too...
And also, sometimes when i complain to her about something, even if she listens (Because i persisted her with it...) she appears not to really care about it or even commented on it or go like "Don't know, don't know" etc... its really tiring after awhile...
And also sometimes when i had a fight with another friend of ours, or when i complained/ talk to her about our other friend's personality, she also do the ignorant thing or don't care etc... wtf...
Take Auntie again for example. When she has problems or Jay, she looks for me, otherwise, others... i don't mind lar honestly, but its real sad sometimes. I listen to her about her problems, but when i have my own problems or talk, she hardly listens. But i understand Auntie's case, she's always in her own artistic world, which is really cool and better than reality ^-^, so sometimes her minds wonder away by themself without her knowing so!!! Hehehe!!!

Ok, maybe sometimes when people talk to me my mind wanders... but i felt like i'm being "not listened" to more than being listened too...

Its also always like i care so much for that people, and they scold me back because "i cared too much" for them... maybe next time i should not care about them, see how they feel... but being kaypoh me, i always care one (Rephrase... i always KPC XP!!!)...
Example: Not being able to get a good pay, i worry so much and all but people just don't give a damn. I know i'm being kaypoh but wtf... don't take me for granted...

I want a friend... i need a friend who is like Natsuko... who is Natsuko??? She is my "imaginary best friend" who only lives in the stories i wrote. All of the good points i want in a friend is in her. Only she doesn't exist but how i wish i would be able to meet someone like her...

Maybe sometimes when i can't take it, i should let it out instead of keeping everything to myself. But i can't, i'm shy of embarassing myself but i think i should change to like Romesh. To hell with what others think of you!!! You yourself is more important or something!!!
Another person i admire is Auntie, how she don't care what others think of her and Pupu... i seriously admire that!!! I want to tell people about my pan-chan, but i'm really honest, i'm scare that i'll be laughed at...


There are times when i'm really really really sad, but i just bury it and continue to wear a smiling mask like Chichiri... sometimes when i'm sad but others don't care, so i pretend to be happy; sometimes when i'm sad but i don't want to ruin others feelings too, so i pretend to smile and get over it dee (Just because i'm sad, i don't want to make you sad too. Besides, i'll pity you because i don't want you to accompany me just to hear me rambling about my sadness...)...

Maybe thats why people don't take me seriously. Maybe thats why everyone thought that i won't be sad, i won't be angry, i'll just get over things easily, i won't be emotional, so everyone took me for granted. I there or not who cares... but to hell, i'm just a normal human like everyone else... wtf... but yeah, i tend to be happy easily than normal humans perhaps =P... thats why i don't understand how people can be emo for a few days one...

There are times when i feel like i can't take it anymore, but because of Jay Chou, i just ignores it. Thats why i thank Jay alot. All thanks to him, everything may not be smoothly, but at least i have someone to look forward to!!!
Thats why i hate it when people say "Aiyar, you'll get over him one lar, his just an idol. There's no 'love' or whatsoever'!"... but LET ME TELL YOU!!!

Jay is not just an idol to me, he is also someone who i live for!!! Yes, i live my life partly for him!!! To be able to see him again!!! Yeah, you may think an idol is not love but YOU ARE NOT ME!!! You won't be able to feel what i feel!!! I've not experience love before but to hell with it!!! It doesn't mean that loving idol is not love!!!
Doesn't mean that you think idol is not love, its the same for me!!! I love Jay and I LOVE JAY!!! Jay is one of my reason for living!!!

Another point...

And people who like to think that everyone is the same!!! IT SUCKS!!!
Every single individual is different!!! Please ACCEPT THE FACT!!! Everyone has different opinions and different feelings to something!!!
Doesn't mean you think that that person is cute or pretty, that I WILL THINK THAT PERSON I CUTE OR PRETTY TOO!!! I might think that person is ugly!!!
Doesn't mean that you think that person is ugly, that I MUST THINK THAT PERSON IS UGLY TOO!!! I may think he or SHE is pretty or attractive in her ways!!!
Everyone has different taste!!! Accept it!!! Don't judge people or tease people because of it because EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT IN TASTE!!! ITS STUPID, RUDE AND MEAN!!!


Ok, after today's bad incidents, lucky for one thing i was able to forget it fast because i was chatting about hehe, child delivering with Ah Mei jie jie!!! Its so funny but also very kia kia @_@... so i forget all bad stuffs and is happier now ler!!! Thank you Ah Mei jie jie ^-^!!!~

I'm sorry you have to read this long emo entry of mine, but if you really read everything until here, i thank you from the sincerest of my heart and i hope you won't be emo as i am. Always reflect on what you did and don't center yourself in this world like i do sometimes. Think of others feelings too. God bless you nya.


Oh yeah, another happier note in this long emo, yesterday when i went to college for Families discussion, i saw another ageha in Asia Cafe X3!!!~ This time a black frame one with white and red colour inside and this time, i really can confirm it IS an ageha because i can see its tail clearly!!!
But i'm not really a butterfly expert so i could be wrong =P... but so far my knowledge of ageha is like that ler, hehehe!!!


I'm facing tomorrow as a new me. I will try to be more carefree and don't worry so much about others dee. I'll try to be like Romesh and to hell with what others think of me dee!!! I don't want to care anymore!!! Just be the happy and cheerful me so i can start a new bright day tomorrow!!! Ganbatte eiko-chan X3!!!~