Thursday, December 24, 2009

So which is better?

Fangirly fandom post, don't bother reading if you think you're "normal" what turf.

I actually wrote a few entries on this matter, but because i malas edit them, i didn't post them. Shall just sum it all up in one post!

So you know what happened.

Before i begin.
As most would know, i think, i do have this opinion that there is what you call, an "older" fangirl.

I am proud to say i already belong to the older category when it comes to my 13 boys.
Or maybe i'm just too lazy, so i'm just finding an excuse for myself. Hah!

You don't need to understand, i'm just blabbing.

When i first heard of the news, the person who told me said she cried nuts about it. I told her i still can't feel anything, and she wondered why it felt so strongly to her, and not me.

Up till now i still can't feel anything.
I haven't even properly cried like an idiot over it.
Believe me, i want to, i really want to.
Then maybe i can recover and move along as usual.

But somehow i can't feel anything now.
I just watched two awesome blockbuster movie i've been waiting to watch for quite some time.
And as much as i appreciate the story line and i know i liked it...

I can't feel anything when i'm watching the movie.

It's like i'm in a parallel universe from everyone else in the cinema. So many times i constantly tell myself, try to push myself, to focus back on the movie.
But i can't.

And now i still can't feel anything.

Sometimes i curse the day i became an "older" ELF. Seriously.
Because somehow, it affects me more than crying can help.
Hey, it i can "cure" it by crying, i would cry a river over it!!

I don't know, somehow or rather i feel that the older ones (or maybe just me) are in too deep, and too long... it became difficult to express anything.

And the numbness is not helping.

I'm not angry.
I'm not sad.
Worried. Yes. Who won't be?

Worried about a bleak future. Which anything might happen.

It's like a nightmare you're in and you cannot wake up no matter how hard you struggle.
This nightmare is not of ghouls and scary, it's like you're stuck in a white place with no ends. No matter how long, how far you walked or run... there is just no ends. And you're stuck there. Alone with nobody.

Or your worst fear perhaps even.

Cassiopeians, i finally understood how you guys felt.

Except that the grounds we ELF were on were even more fragile, and had always been this fragile, ever since it first started.

It's like standing on a glass floor propelled up to great heights.
With the fear that one day, there'll be a crack.

Which leads to waiting for that one day... it might just break.

And we will all just fall into nothing.

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