Friday, November 06, 2009

My confession.

I want to talk about KangIn Kim YoungWoon the idiot.

Wow, it really amazes me how when i'm not in-front of the computer, i thought out everything i wanted to say, but now i'm actually typing, i have nothing to say.

And BTW, you don't want to read this. Super long, naggy and long-winded. It's worst than reading an essay because it's very very messy, mind. I'm just writing out my thoughts on what had happened the past few weeks.

Keep in mind, it's something i'm writing FOR MYSELF just so i have something i could reflect upon in the future. It is for myself, and only for myself, and nobody else.

Let's just start with this:
Everyone knows i'm a super big fan of Super Junior. No secret. You know you're reading an ELF's Blog the minute you enter my blog because of the banner.

Whose my favourite SuJu member?
You know... i really admire my friends who do have a favourite member.
Then if i do, i could just focus on that member, and that's it.

Because to be perfectly honest, i don't have one.

It's not because i want to say "i like them all"... it's really because i can't choose. Trust me, i've tried, and everytime i failed badly at them.
And having to choose sucks, because i like all of them for individual reasons. Yes, there are extra bias-ism for some, but in the end, i still can't say whose my favourite.
Ok, you can call me greedy, i seriously don't mind that.

And because i don't, every member's business suddenly becomes my business.

There's one thing i like about the familiar-ism of being an "older" ELF.
Because when certain things happen, i could go, "Aiyar whatever lar, he'll handle himself."
Maybe it's because i'm too lazy, or maybe because i was an ELF for so long, knowing the boys and trusting them, i know they would be able to handle through it.
But i think it's mostly laziness lar. Have another entry to write about this, just you wait!

Besides, they have a whole lot of "younglings" worrying for them, as an "elder", i have my right to rest what turf.
You may say maybe because i'm not so strong a fan anymore. I won't say you're wrong, but i won't say you're right either, because i know i still really really love them. It's something you will never know/ understand, unless you're me i guess.

And to be frankly honest, for a group "that young", they have been through a whole lot of ordeals - from anti-incidents, to boo-boos, scandals... even bloody serious accidents - nothing is possible new to them.

Except this, perhaps.

I am not saying what YoungWoon did was right.
I, for one, am strongly against DUI.
But i, for another, also know YoungWoon.
When i say "know", i don't mean i know him personally. But three years into liking someone, you would roughly know how that person is, especially when they are like KangIn. They have nothing to hide, they just show how they really are in front of the camera.

One of the reasons why i like Super Junior so much (^^ ).

So trust me when i say:
He's not a bad person (everyone can vouch for that). He's just really really really stupid.

YoungWoon, not KangIn, because he is a dumbass.

If i can use all the words describing how dumb he is, and the whole situation would be rectified, i would.

When i hear of other artists getting involved in DUI, i really have no feeling towards it. It's like hearing someone random to you did a boo-boo, that's it.

But when it happens to YOU, boy, that's another thing really.
It's not that simple, it really isn't.

And when it's two cases in a month, you just want to slap yourself.
Erm, ok... no... i have no reasons to slap myself. I just want to beat him up real bad.

When the first incident happened, when i first heard of it, i was surprised how easily i took it.
Because he said he didn't do it, and i believe him right away, no question.
Even when my friend was telling me about the case, i defended him right away. I said i know him. If he said he didn't do it, he didn't do it.

So i was... kinda wrong. But in my/ his defense, he did try not to. I just forgot that he is really dumb has a very nasty temper.

When i first heard of the result of the whole thing, i remember it was in the back of a van with Carolyn in Hong Kong. The first thing i do was cry, i don't know why. I just felt like it.
And after discussing the whole thing with her, i did feel sorta better!
It's like having someone there for you, who knows that someone else better than you, and letting her sort the "bigger picture" out for you.
Ok i'm bad at describing sorry, hope you got my what i'm trying to say blah.

Then again... i don't know why, but when i got home, the feeling of... i don't know... just came back. Till today i still didn't even know how to describe that feeling. It wasn't disappointed, it wasn't sad, it wasn't betrayal... i just... don't know. It's like there's just something there.

I self-emo for a whole week for who knows what reason!
Which then, i am extremely grateful to LooLooYee.
She asked me about him, and when i just suddenly bla-bla-bla everything out, i actually felt better, strangely enough. All it took was just one question.
And that was the end.

Or so i thought it would be.
Because that *genius* have to go be dumb again. (Is this an oxymoron then? Or just plain real sarcasm? Ironic-ism?)

That day, i remember i woke up feeling all happy and chirpy, then upon checking my Twitter, noting that something seemed wrong... i Google, and sure enough, the idiot did it again.

It was like being slapped with a frying pan ok. Right in the face.

So i told myself, today's a happy day, no point getting all emo about it.
I told myself i would not care, i know he's an idiot anyways, and so be it! Plus, there's nothing i can do, i'll just ignore it! Wise choice right?

It really was. Except that it's not that easy.

Over the next few weeks was probably one of the worsts in my life.
Yeah yeah, go ahead think whatever you want, i don't care.

It is very me to easily forget about emo PMS-sy stuffs which happened, but funny enough, i can still roughly remember how that week was, and how it felt like.

I don't know how to describe it, but let's just say it's a wreck of a week. I'm still kinda astounded that i made it through, because then, it really seemed like it's there to stay.

It was emo like nothing before. Kinda of like PMS in a way i guess - you know when you feel emo, you try to find out *why* you are emo, but you can't?
It's similar in a way but... oh gosh, i really really don't know.

I didn't work right.
If you ask me i'm well, i guess i would say i am.
I am eating, but i'm not eating. It's more like just shoving stuffs down my throat. I can't taste it.
I don't have any particular craving for anything, it's like i have no appetite whatsoever that is coming, i just eat for the sake of surviving, and that is saying something because i am someone who live to eat.
But hmm, surprisingly enough, i still eat a lot. Well, at least it's good to know if i ever break up or whatsoever in the future, i wouldn't starve myself to death what turf.

I wanted to blame it on PMS so much, you don't know how much i wanted to. At least there's something for me to put all my blame and worries and reasons to ok!!
But my period just finished. I tried to say it's "post-MS", but its just not convincing enough.

I don't know, i guess if i have "something" to blame it about, something natural and not human-caused in any way, i would feel better in some weird way?

Apart fromt that, i think... well, if i can find a reason to "blame", then i can find a way to rectify it you know. Then all would be well right? ... Too bad i can't find any.

It's possible that i do know the cause, the reason to blame, but i just don't want to acknowledge it, and unconsciously just trying to bury it somewhere in my head hoping i would forget it... too bad it's just fighting to get out.
Maybe it's possible that i'm just afraid to admit that Super Junior is so important to me.
Maybe i'm just afraid people would judge me for my fangirliness. (another post coming i see!)

Or you know, do you think it's possible i'm seeking attention?
Then again, i didn't tell anyone about this except my best friend, so what does this say?

Or maybe i'm just so worried about that idiot, but i told myself i would not, because it's "crazy" (as perceived through "normal people" omg am i really saying this?), so i try to forget it but i can't?

Ugh, i really really don't know. I don't even want to know. Please don't psycho-analyse me. I swear i'll sue you.

Blaming part aside, the emotion part isn't doing any better.
Forget blaming, at least if i know what i'm feeling, it would help to get through it better... i think. No, i would be able to get through it a WHOLE LOT EASIER!

But i can't. I've went through tons of feelings i might be feeling, but i just couldn't conclude. It's like it's all jumble out to a big pile of emoness. I honestly didn't know one could feel so much feeling at one go, and not die from it or something.
And i thought i'm "good" at multi-tasking. Apparently, i'm amazing.

And not knowing how or why i felt just makes everything even more emo. I'm just so confused.
Sad? Angry? Disappointed? Betrayed? Irritated? Depressed? Scared?
Ok, depress is too strong a word, maybe not depress.

Sad because well, sad lar, duh!
Angry because i want to kill that idiot.
Scared... well, i lived in fear that past few days. I checked for news everyday, but in my heart i really really don't want to. I'm afraid of more bad news, but i still have to satisfy my need to know.
Blah, it's just horrible.

I'm still living. Going to college, going shopping and everything. But it's like i'm still alive, but just not living you get what i mean?
Ok, contradicting stuff but whatever. I understand can liao what turf.
But something just doesn't feel right. It's like i'm happier to just moan, and sulk and let emoness consume me. I don't even feel like talking to most people. It's like, just let me curl up in an ice-cream factory and die.

Ok, that did not come out right, but you got my point.

I have a whole lot thing to say, but i think that's it. I can't think of any more liao what turf.

To conclude it, well, all those emoness seemed pretty horrible. It's like it would never go away. For the few times in my life, i actually woke up feeling crappy - which is saying something really - and from there, you know how "depressed" (ugh, strong word, but cannot find better word liao what turf) i actually got!!

But now looking back, i just realized what i needed. A trigger point. Because i was holding up and bottling up all my feelings, and that made everything worst.
Something happened, which made me cry big-time and went all emotional and all... but the next day, surprisingly enough i woke up feeling all better.
It's like the sun finally rise from a horizon so dark, you didn't think there would be light
. (I think i got this from Twilight, but aiyar whatever lar!!)

It's a like a breath of fresh air. Or something which i've long forgotten. Not being-emo.

And have never been better since!

Up till today, i still remember how emo i felt then. It scares me to know how emo i can really get, but in another way, it also made me realized loads of other stuffs. Thankfully, mostly positive (^^ )!

I hope i'm not jinxing anything by saying this (because i think i'm jinx!!), but to be honest, i'm extremely thankful to some of the nicest peoples in my life. I honestly think without them, i would've probably just rotted and died!!
They don't know anything at all, and... well, i don't want to go on to elaborate lar, but let's just say, despite that entire crappy week, i truly felt happy and being myself with their company! Or hey, maybe it's because i'm just so happy to be in their company, i naturally get happier without even having to feign it =D! Who knows!

Not saying anything further, but am just really really grateful =)!

I don't think i'm so moppy and sulky from now onwards... well, i'll mop and sulk and emo and rant and be unreasonable and blah-blah-blah whenever i want to of course!! But anyways, i learned how to handle my emotions and feelings much better (not guaranteed. Everyone will always have a trigger point duh.), and... i just learned a lot of stuffs lar =)!

And to end this, the boys.
How much they really mattered.
I don't want to say much, but... let's just say i'll live my life the way i want it.

I don't want to be afraid that people will judge me for what i'm doing anymore. If i want to be mad crazy, i will be mad crazy.
They can judge all they want, i don't want to care anymore.
(Not because i'm "wow, so secure blah-blah-blah"... i'm just really lazy what turf.)

What mattered most is at this very moment, i was an ELF, and am still an ELF. And very proud to be one (^^ )!
(and because i'm a show-off, FIRST GENERATION ELF YO!!! HAHAHA!!! Ok please ignore that sorry for the outbursts what turf.)

And that dude.
I'm not ashamed of that idiot. Never have been, never am, never will.
Want to smack the crap out of him? YEAP!
But i still love him very much, along with all the other members, and will still always support him.
I am bias, deal with it. I know what he did is wrong, i acknowledged it's really very wrong... but so what? I'll still support him just because.
And if you don't like it, you can kiss that stray cat outside's pink butthole. Who cares what you think?

Let's just say... say that idiot were to be a good friend of mine, and even after what he did, chances are i would still stand by him (after beating the crap out of him - situation differs).
Because if i were to "disown" him or to be ashamed of him, i am not a "friend" to begin with.

And so be it!
I guess there's a reason why Super Junior's fan's are called ELF ne? (^^ )
Oh yeah!!

Gosh, the whole emoness thing is really really over yah?? I'm really still kinda surprised! Like i said, i thought it will never go away!!
Well, even if "another wave" were to come again, even if it were to caught me unexpectedly, i wouldn't want to embrace it... come on, it sounds really silly ok, what for you want to "embrace whatever may come"? Just turn around and RUN!!!

Ok, but well, it will not do to avoid it (learned that the hard way so many times, gosh, but i never learn ne?)... and hmm, i don't know what i'm going to do then! Maybe i'll emo a bit, sulk, rant, blah-blah-blah a while, but oh well, let's just see whatever may come!

Quoting Barney Stintson:
"When i'm sad, i stop being sad, and be awesome instead."

And that's what i am now (^^ )!

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